now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
