so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
