I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
