Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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