Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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