Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
