In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
