life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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