That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
