then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
