I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
