the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
