He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
