my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
