I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
