I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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