i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
