Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
