My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
