Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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