imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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