Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.