i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.