...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
