Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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