So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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