Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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