Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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