3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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