She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
