I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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