i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
