They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
