Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
