thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
