Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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