Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
