He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
