he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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