Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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