Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
