I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
