I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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