So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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