is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
