did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
