I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He did a backflip because drugs
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
