I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
