the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
