I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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