I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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