Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
