He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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