Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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