I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
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His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
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we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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