just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
