Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Randomize
