I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
